Well, it has been a while since I wrote anything here. Last year was quite a roller coaster for me since I have started my Ph.D. program in August. Between classes, reading papers and some department’s activities, I think I did quite okay last year, even though I am still at the very beginning of my Ph.D. journey.
The first semester of my doctoral program went pretty well. Alhamdulillah, I got a good grade, and I am really grateful for it. I am still struggling in finding the research gap, something that I think most doctoral candidates having issue with. Hopefully in the next couple of months I can identify the gap and have a clear direction on what I want to contribute. Finding the novelty of the contribution is another thing, but I will talk about it in a separate post (since it has been giving me headache, lol).
In another discussion, I realized that it is not easy to be a “good” person. What is a “good” person anyway? I always think being a “good” person means we have to be kind, always have positive thinking, have no ill feeling, etc. However, in reality, it is really not easy to be someone like that. For instance, today I overheard that one of my colleagues plans to pursue a doctoral degree in US. She was asking questions to my other colleagues who just came back from her study in Texas. When I was listening to the conversation, I couldn’t help but feel a bit…strange. In one side, I think it is okay if she wants to focus on her study plan since it is something that we, as lecturers, have to plan and manage anyway. But in another hand, I feel a bit…upset. Now, of course there is a reason why I feel that way. This colleague has caused us some problems in the past because she did not do her job properly, and as per my observation, she preferred to focus on other trivia stuffs rather than doing her job. Hearing her saying that she wants to study in small city so she could not play around and focus on her study…I found it hard to believe when she has constantly shown that she chose to play around rather than finishing her responsibility. Clearly, I feel skeptical listening to her conversation. In addition, I was surprised (in a bad way) that she managed to get a 7 score for IELTS after taking three tests.
Then I realized, why the heck I am so bitter about this thing? Why am I so bitter about her? She has her own life, nothing to do with me. Why I am so consumed with this unnecessary ill thinking about her, when in reality it does not give anything valuable to me and my life? I guess this is something that I still need to work on: to not give a darn care about others and focus to myself! If I use my time more wisely and invest my focus solely in improving myself and planning on how to achieve my objectives, I think I will get even more results on my goals.
So, there you are. Another lesson learnt in the beginning of 2024. I guess I still have to learn so much more about myself and about people. I still want to be a “good” people, but I don’t want to be a
saint”. Simply because I cannot be one. Let’s work to be a better version of myself, shall we?
Babbling place for Niken 