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(Short) Birthday Reflection

So, as the title implies, today (June 17) is my birthday! šŸ™‚

My birthday

Yes, I am that kind of person who loves to celebrate my own birthday, as much as I love celebrating others. I know there is nothing really special about birthday, considering that you are, well, getting old (and maybe a bit wiser, lol). But at least for me, birthday is a time to have a quick stop (sometimes a bit too quick) and revisit again my life, to see what I have done, what goals I have achieved, and what other things I still want to accomplish in my life. It does not sounds as “heavy” as it is, really. It is more like a peek on my continuous life.

To start with, I can easily state that 2017 is a life-changing-year for me. I just got married about 1.5 months ago (yay!) with one of the nicest person I have ever known. It is huge for me because for the last couple of years, I have been dealing with my frustration on finding the right partner in life. When I thought that I would just go with the flow and kind of accepting whatever fate I would have, this major event came and change my life completely. (I will share story of my wedding preparation and our instant-love-story in separate post, just because I want to, hehe šŸ˜‰ ).

Not only in personal life, another change also happened in my professional life. I have been promoted to a higher position with a team of four. Simultaneously, I had to relocate from Jakarta to Sukorejo (Pandaan), East Java. When I first received the news from my bosses, I was having mixed feelings. I was happy because I have been moving forward steadily with my career path in the company (which is truly a bless!), plus I would go back to my hometown in Surabaya and live together with my husband. However this also meant I had to say goodbye to my old team and friends who will stay in Jakarta or move to another place. I had to leave my sister and her family as well, whom I have lived with for the last three years.

Changes are never easy, especially if it impacts your life significantly. These last six months have been quite challenging for me. In Q1, I was overwhelmed with all wedding preparation. I was very lucky that Rendy (my hubby) was actively supporting me by coordinating with the vendors and our families to ensure that the preparation went smoothly. While the wedding-stress was gradually decreasing, I gained another concern which was linked to my job: short transition process into my new role and responsibility. Everything had happened so fast, I barely had time to think if I had been doing all these changes properly, or if I should have done it differently to get better result.

In the end, I think I would say that, even though I could have done better in facing all these changes in the first six months of 2017, I managed to go through it pretty smoothly. I don’t think this would have happened without the support from my hubby, my families and friends. A new chapter of my life has just been starting, and going to have a long run in the future. I am excited, and looking forward to see how it goes (and experience it, of course!) together with my partner in life (and crime, lol). With that feeling, I will pause my reflection here, and continue in the next peek-on-my-life session. Until then!

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Hello My Favorite Month!

And somehow it is already June! *dance*

After havingĀ roller coaster months since the beginning of the year, I am finally getting some “me”Ā time though very limited. In between moving from Jakarta to Surabaya, adjusting to new job and new office (which is quite far from Surabaya by the way), fitting myself toĀ role of wife, I tryĀ to stop for a while and revisit my life plan. I think it is importantĀ toĀ evaluate what has happened, thingsĀ are stillĀ pending and new items that come up as part of my new family life. It has been an overwhelming yet satisfying experience so far (well duh, I have been married for one month only, haha!). I am excited to embark this new journey even further and achieve what Rendy (my hubby) and I have agreed to.

With this excitement, I am welcoming one of my favorite months ever: June! It is amazing to know that Ramadhan, the holy month forĀ Muslims,Ā falls in the month when I was born. I know it might sound lame, but for me, this situation is bringing wonderful feeling and positive vibe, hoping that in this month IĀ can transform into better person, personally andĀ religiously. It has been a while since I can connect to my inner self and also to Allah SWT properly, overruled by fast working and life rhythm in Jakarta. I am glad that I got this opportunity to move back to hometown which has more moderate pace compared to Jakarta.

So, Welcome June! Let’s get aboard! šŸ™‚

Hello June!

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Just a quick update about me…

ā€¦not that it is really important for you lol *sweat drop*

 

I really feel that January has passed way too fast. I have been juggling work related matters and wedding preparation since last December, and the fact that the time is getting closer does not make any help. It actually just makes me even more nervous, and in a sense questioning again if I am doing the right thing.

Oh, yes, did I forget to tell you? I am getting married.

*background sound of bells and wedding song*

*followed with a scream*

In one side I am happy that I finally found that someone who will be my partner and take care of me for the rest of my life support each other for the rest of our life. In other side, I am a bit worried because it will change my lifestyle completely and of course, my prioritization. I need to revisit my life plan and adjust accordingly without changing too much my main essential goals inside of it.

Sometimes I am thinking that I might be moving a bit too fast – after all, he proposed me just last November. But I know for sure he loves me, and he will treat me very well. I guess it will be a turning point for both of us – adjusting ourselves to each other, and build a family as we plan. Please pray the best for both of us *bow*

As for work related, I am still waiting final confirmation on what will happen to me. With this change inside our organization, we have no other choice than to accept and embrace it with expectation that it will help us to go even further inside the company. I really like my department anyway, so I truly hope I will still be working on this department, at least for the next few years. Fingers crossed!

That’s all for now.

*bow*

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Demotivation: How Can I Get Rid Of It?Ā 

I never thought it happened again, but I think I have been somehow demotivated for the last few months. I remember this similar feeling occured three years ago, when I was really overwhelmed with my job and my boss, and was thinking to resign from the company. Luckily, I got the opportunity to go outside the country and gained new experience while building up again my motivation, confidence and excitement to work and live life.

Feeling the same uncertainty in mind, I honestly am not sure whether it is really demotivation because of my work (and life?), or is it just me exaggerating things?

I would not lie that I was upset on some setup in the office, and particularly on the status quo which has been happening for a while. I sometimes do not understand how our management could “reward” their team members only based on something fancy outside, but not necessarily based on the core process. Here I thought we can not judge a book by its cover, but apparently covers were the ones matter thesedays.

It just pissed me off, and made me thought “Whatever, I’ll just go with the flow as I am not a pretender!”

But really, who am I kidding with?

I have been torturing myself by keeping this disappointment inside, but I do not know what to do. I am trying to think positive, but why lately it becomes so difficult? I become so lazy in taking care myself, and I hate it.

I hate myself.

I want to change. I have to change. And I will do it. 

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It Has Been A Long Week…

..and May is not even finished yet. We just had our budget meeting this week, and (as expected) we still have lot of homeworks to be done. Quarter two (of the year) has always been the busiest time, particularly because we try to project already what we are going to do next year. 

Looking back at my days this month, somehow I get an impression that I might have not been working efficiently enough. It was ironic because back then, I was feeling overwhelmed because there were so many things to do and follow up. 

What did I do wrong? Did I mess up my plan? Did I incorrectly assume that I did the right thing while in reality I should have done more?

All these questions now wavering around my mind and makes me gradually hating myself. The fact that I was hammered in our budget meeting last Thursday makes me even want to bury myself deep in the ground.

I hate it. I hate when I could not accomplish my goals. I hate when I could not perform well as I wanted. I hate when I am doing stupid things which jeopardize my plan, or even my future. 

I hate it. 

I hate myself now.

And that’s why I need to shake my head strongly exactly now to get rid this negative feeling. I need to bounce back. I am still sad and I am still disappointed at myself, but it should not be a reason not to go forward and do what I need to do. 

I have to fix this situation, and I will.